Today was a milestone day for me. My younger colleagues may scoff at me and think of me as an old geezer who graduated from Pangaea High School in a year that had a 19 in front of it. Let them scoff I say. For today, I became an integral part of the 21st century. Today, I acquired for myself a mobile phone. Now, I can go anywhere in the world I wish. As long as I have my mobile phone with me, I am easily accessible for people to bug the ever living tar out of me. That’s OK, because with my new phone, I can also call anyone I wish and return the favor. This is provided that I stay within the minutes allotted in my monthly plan, OR call between 9:00 PM – 6:00 AM, OR call during the weekend, OR call someone one the same mobile phone carrier. Other than that, the sky’s the limit.
I felt pretty good about my new acquisition. That is until it was time to start using it. I sat there as my two daughters, Shayna and Brianna (along with Shayna’s boyfriend Mike), came to my assistance. They pointed out that the first thing I needed to do was add people to my contact list. That sounded simple enough. You just select “Contacts”. Then you select “Add Contacts”. Mike then explained that I now need to type in the name of the contact I was adding. Ok, I could see this little box with its cursor blinking as if to taunt me. How, I asked, do I “type” anything? Mike then took my phone and pushed the side of it upward. I thought for a moment he had demolished my phone. It turns out, opening the phone up to expose a nice miniature QWERTY keyboard. “TOO COOL!”, I said. Shayna rolled her eyes and told me that NO ONE says “TOO COOL!” anymore. I pressed onward. I am ready to add my Dad’s mobile number to my contacts. Yes, I understand that my 68 year old father had a mobile phone YEARS before me. Now that we have all had a pleasant giggle over that, let’s get back to the story. I decided I wanted to type “Poppy’s Cell” for the contact name. I slowly, but persistently navigated my buffalo fingers over the tiny keyboard. I got as far as “Poppy” and started to panic. I couldn’t find a way to add the apostrophe in “Poppy’s Cell”. After all, even in today’s technology, punctuation is still important. “Poppy’s Cell” is completely different from “Poppys Cell”. There is only ONE Poppy. MY KINGDOM FOR AN APOSTROPHE! Brianna chimed in: “It’s right there, Dad. You just have to press the Eff-En key.” YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, BABY GIRL! As everyone was now laughing uncontrollably at me, Brianna gently pointed to a key labeled “Fn”. I simply pressed that key then another key. My long sought apostrophe finally appears. I was then able to save my Dad’s contact information successfully. Shayna, Brianna, and Mike were extremely proud of me.
The next step was to get an earpiece to allow me to safely drive and use my phone simultaneously. I went to an electronics store and a nice young salesman offered assistance. I told him that I needed an earpiece to do hands free driving on my new mobile phone. This way I can use my phone and not be cast into next year’s defensive driving video. The salesman then gave me the device I needed. This doohickey was barely large enough to fit into my ear and stay in place. The nice young man showed me how to get this device to “pair up” with my mobile phone. I got that little thingamabob home and immediately tested it out. It allowed me to use voice commands. I said “Call Wife” and my phone did exactly that. Man, that was TOO COOL. I felt like Captain Kirk and James Bond rolled into one.
So look out, folks. I am a mover and shaker. I have a new mobile phone and a new earpiece whatchamacallit. I even have a custom ringtone. I can now be reached by friends, loved ones, and collection agencies anywhere in the world. Hello, 21st century. Sorry, I’m late.