A (Hopefully) Healthy Helping of News (As Published by HumorPress.Com)

Recently, news has hit our country warning us of a new flu virus. The virus is called H1N1 or the swine flu. The term, swine flu, originates from the fact that the genes in this virus are very similar to influenza viruses found in pigs in North America. Sadly, many pigs who contract this virus never recover. This is due to the fact that most pigs rebuff doctor’s orders to get rest, get plenty of fluids, and take prescribed medication. Most pigs, instead, choose to continue their diet of trash and carrion as well as playing in mud. Swine are nothing if not strong-willed.

There have been many consequences of the swine flu hitting our country. The travel industry has taken a hit. Many have been leery of consuming pork. On top of all of this, parents are afraid to play “This Little Piggy” with their children out of fear of contracting the virus. Even in my workplace, signs began cropping up in the restrooms reminding one and all the rules of basic hygiene. I find this disturbing for several reasons. Why, pray tell, does such signage only go up during a health crisis? Why is it that grown adults need to be reminded to wash their hands and cover their mouths whenever they cough or sneeze? Why is it that these rules only apply in the restrooms? Surely, one is not to start coughing and sneezing willy-nilly with unclean hands the minute they leave a public restroom.  Speaking of public restrooms, why is it that only the employees of stores and restaurants are reminded to wash their hands before leaving said restrooms?

Now, I come to the reason behind this writing. I believe that BDGJM is not only in place to entertain but also to inform. I would like to provide for you the following list of influenza strains that have cropped up in recent years. In addition to swine flu or H1N1, there are the following:

·         There are several strains of NE1 strains including:

o   C4NE1 – This strain results from exposure to certain plastics. C4NE1 hits sufferers hard with explosive symptoms.

o   10SNE1 – This flu strain tends to hit athletic types who are members of a home owner’s association (HOA). Rumors that the strain is contracted via the alligator sewn onto the sufferer’s knit shirt have been proven to be an urban myth.

o   NE1NE1 – This flu strain leaves suffers with a feeling of extreme solitude.

·         A1H57 – A flu strain contracted due to exposure to certain steak sauces. Vegetarians rarely, if ever, contract this strain.

·         B9V8 – A non-life threatening strain brought on by consuming vegetable juices. Contrary to A1H57, this strain is widespread among vegetarians while very few butchers suffer from it.

·         CBGB1234 – This is a very mild strain contracted by overexposure to 1970’s punk rock music. Rest in a quiet peaceful environment can provide relief in as little as ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR days.

·         D2R2 – This flu strain causes an insatiable desire to watch classic sci-fi movies in reverse. Good, restful sleep is recommended. Popular home remedies include taking herbal melatonin or viewing “Terms of Endearment”.

·         F1F12 – This flu strain has manifest itself primarily in people working in the information technology (IT) industry. This strain is passed to sufferers via the uppermost computer keyboard “hotkeys”.  Treatment for F1F12 can be treated in the same manner as a normal influenza strain. Some, however, use a medication called C-A-F8. C-A-F8 provides sufferers with a controlled, alternative, safe mode of recovering from this virus.

It is my fervent hope that, upon review of the aforementioned strains, the world is a more informed place. So please, I ask of you; wash your hands, cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and pass this information along to your friends and loved ones.  As always, consult with your doctor if you have any concerns. BDGJM is not a substitute for proper medical care. Four out of five doctors dismiss medical information provided by the writer of a humor blog. I do hope, however, that you have a laugh or two from this writing as you sit in the waiting room with a bunch of sick folks.

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9 thoughts on “A (Hopefully) Healthy Helping of News (As Published by HumorPress.Com)

  1. I have always been very flattered when a fellow blogger or podcaster admires my work or provides encouraging words. One such person is Kevin Cummings of Short Cummings Audio (his link is in my blog list). I have been a huge fan of Kevin’s work for a couple of years now and he has always been kind and encouraging. Kevin’s son, Evan Cummings, has put together and audio podcast which he wrote and Kevin directed. It is a steampunk audio drama called “Airship Diaries”. While I sheepishly admit that I had to look up what steampunk is, “Airship Diaries” is a fine work in short six minute slices (like father, like son). “Airship Diaries” can be downloaded at http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com/ If you enjoy fantasy and adventure, you will enjoy this debut episode. I look forward to hearing more “Airship Diaries” in the future.

  2. Another great blog, big bro! Given my occupation, I am now worried about contacting the F1F12 virus and am seriously considering staying home from work on Monday because of it! In fact, maybe I should turn off my computer now and go read a book. You’ll have to snail-mail your next post to me.

  3. Thanks for the kind words about Evan’s podcast, but thank-you even more for a very funny piece about the flu. I love wordplay and verbal puns.Well done!

  4. Thank you so much, Kevin. I rather dug Evan’s podcast. Thank you for YOUR kind words. I am such a huge fan of Short Cummings Audio. It means a lot to me that you liked it.Shane

  5. Shane,Thank you for finally putting a name to all the mysterious syptoms I have experienced over the years that my dr has been unsuccessful in diagnosing!! It is comforting to know that none of the strains are fatal! LOL!I look forward to many amusing moments reading your archives. Move over Dave Barry!

  6. Thank you, Betsy. I belive my purpose is to serve and to protect. Wait, I’m sorry, that’s the police department. Well, if nothing else, I can create a laugh or two. I’d prefer to keep Dave Barry around for a little longer. He doesn’t need to move over. I’d just ask that he make room. Actually, if he read my blog, I could tell people Dave Barry liked BDGJM (whether he REALLY liked it or not LOL).

  7. Thanks, Marlene. I really like this one myself. I hope top get back into this vein more after my July 4th post. I think my post on euphemisms ("Let Me Put It To You Another Way") comes close.Anyway, I am really glad you liked it. Be sure to spread the word.

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